Well, before the quotes begin, let me speak a bit on the underlying idea of such a page.
Many people I know have also been maintaining pages of funny things which demand to be taken out of context. Before I had so much as used the web, I'd been collecting things I'd overheard that were worth saving.
Some of these quotes may involve offensive language. Please don't take offense.

Now... you may notice that quite a few of these quotes have bracketed names. If you're not familiar with that format, they're from IRC. All IRC quotes are from #uiuc unless otherwise stated.

And, now, on with the quotes.

Something is seriously wrong with the PRNG the NFL uses to populate its namespace.
- Zach Miller - 2015.11.10

<Onion> dear couple, 'netflix & chill' means you stay at home
- Alex Broque on #ffxi - 2015.10.13

<snailboat> beware that, when riding chocobos, you yourself do not become a chocobo, for when you ride long on a chocobo, the chocobo rides also on you
- Crystal on #acromp3 - 2014.12.17

If you don't want to get raped, move to New Jersey.
- Jen Hiner - 2014.11.24

You will not get doom metal. You got doom metal. What the fuck.
- Jen Hiner - 2014.08.24

<yohan> I feel like g0ff's flowing mane is one of the things you can count on in this world
- Andrew Ho - 2014.07.02

<k8to> i like the idea that stanislaw lem created dtrace
- k8to on #acromp3, on the subject of the novel Solaris.

The slow loris penetrates the shield.
- Steven Archer - 2014.01.29

<yohan2> I'm just a sucker for a beautiful picture of a cephalapod
- Andrew Ho on #groogroo - 2014.01.07

If your prophet is even less informed than a Dalek, get a better prophet.
- Cassie Noble Beyer

<recursive> Unicode is like democracy
<recursive> it's the best thing we have, but it sucks
- Mike Magin on #uiuc - 2013.12.11

Pro-wrestling is like full-contact LARPing.
- JJ - 2013.10.27

When a kid gets diarrhea, no, there's no website that relieves that.
- Bill Gates, on the subject of Google Loon - 2013.08.09

<Nimbex> They need to open a special bar for people who like ruby.
<chrism> it would close within a week and reopen in another location where all the old clients can't find it
- myself and chrism on #chicago - 2013.07.26

<[Ender]> Oh noes. Twitter is down.
<Upholder> George R.R. Martin killed all 140 characters.
- Jason Lindquist and Jeff Randall on #uiuc - 2013.06.03

mardi gras beads are stripper bitcoins.
- an avatar of Rob Halford - 2013.04.18

Gmork may be a servant of the Nothing, but even he believes you should be with whomever you want when it comes to devour your world.
- Dave Michalak on Facebook - 2013.03.26

<Toba> goddamn voldemort has a good HA setup
- Eric Stein on #chicago - 2013.03.14

<frumples> cats have four colors
<frumples> and one of them is nyan
- Fred Jacobs on IRC - 2013.01.22

I look like a fucking gelfling.
- Sarah Mitchell - 2012.03.26

Who the fuck wants to spend the day being a wheelbarrow?
- Marilyn Perez

<mrw> let's summon Swetland.
<mrw> spin_lock_irqsave(&mr_lock, flags);
<Nimbex> &mr_not_lock
<mrw> *osar++;
<Nimbex> mr_lock == 1
- Matt Williams and me on #groogroo attempting an incantation - 2010.03.03

<ktgeek> i mean, its cool if I had nothing, but having a laptop
and an iPhone, not yet making my penis rise
- Keith Garner on the announcement of the iPad, 2010.01.27

He's like the tupac of fantasy literature.
- Kireila, regarding Robert Jordan - 2009.04.06

<BlackPete> IT TURNS MY LABIA INTO YAYBIA!
- Beckles on #ectomo - 2008.11.14

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated "Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 FES" or other games in the PlayStation 2 > Adventure category have also purchased "Disney Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour".
- email from amazon.com - 2007.07.18

It's like an alcoholic latte.
- Kireila on #rpgamer, describing Guinness

<Scola>It just occured to me, the state of Michigan is in the shape of a mitt. I thus conclude this gave Mitt Romney an advantage.
<Tambreet> I dunno the top part looks kind of like a dick, and that should have helped Guiliani
- Mike Khalili and Jordan McClure on #uiuc - 2008.01.16

Knowing nothing else about the subject, I think I would rather sleep with Lish than with Mike Khalili.
- Dan Sachs - 2007.05.17

So, if you know anyone who wants a cat, my friend has 1 male and 3 females, and they're all pregnant.
- Jason Sheldon - 2007.04.26

<Quinton> laphroaig does in fact repel nyiri
<Quinton> I seriously need to get another bottle
- Brian Swetland on #ffxi - 2007.03.28

<Fun-Mac> If my ass were on Google Earth, it would be Nevada.
- Jon Roma - 2007.02.21

<spruance> maybe it signals something wrong with me, but put a cat in a
plaid skirt, white top and stockings, and mary janes and i
just see a cat.
- Mark Notarus on #uiuc - 2006.10.09

<k8to> seiken densetsu games are like bad blowjobs
<k8to> with teeth
<k8to> people think they'll be pleasant
<k8to> but then it's just disturbingly nasty
- k8to on #acromp3 - 2006.09.16

<anna> i also like porn and nethack
- Anna Pomerantseva - 2006.09.15

<soybeans> It's aggressive stalking. It's all the rage now.
- soybeans on #ffxi - 2005.12.01

<Ark> i swear to god, my brain isn't threadsafe
- Keith Garner - 2005.11.15

<Segev> Dem: I'll hurt you. I'll turn you into a Mormon with my Mormonizer Ray.
<Greg> Hmmm, this ray intrigues me.
<Greg> Do I get the Polygamy, or not?
<Segev> Sorry, no. I don't have the 1e Ray. Just the 5e one.
- people on #besm - 2005/08/02

<Al-home> Man if I ever have sex with a woman and like it I'm going to
be soooo embarassed. o.o
- Alessar on #ffxi - 2005/07/21

Hee! What's the use of having a facehugger if you're not gonna use it?
- thistle_chaser on LiveJournal - 2005/05/26

<japolo> yesterday we saw a man of chinese heritage at the Costco and he had a Hitler Mustache and was wearing a jacket with a German Flag on it
<japolo> and we said "wtf is up with that"
<Vanir^> you have to admit, China Fuhrer is not the name of a restaurant you've heard of before
<japolo> Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Wok

My uterus has taken to reminding me several times today that yes, it wants me to be eaten by a shark
- thistle_chaser on LiveJournal - 2004/12/23

<Quinton> I bet squeenix has invented some new technology that allows characters' ears to be bigger than their heads
- Brian Swetland, on Final Fantasy XII character designs

(13:55:38) Weltall A: "It's like Planescape, but more hell like!"
- Davis, on the premise of Ravenloft

<Ch1XenZz> god, april 1st makes the internet useless
- Greg Fast on #groogroo - 04/01/2004

<Lone-Wolf> i need a static ip...
<Lone-Wolf> thats like a condition of buying a house
- Brian White on #uiuc - 2004/03/16

A PDF of a carrot is not as great a motivator as the carrot itself.
- Jason Zavoda on the HackMaster web fora - 12/13/2003

<SmooveB> Tan: my sister is living with us, so porn in the living room is not as useful
- Dave Terrell - 9/26/2003

<japolo> scott bakula is the phil huckelberry of space
- RJ - 9/3/2003

Merchants look like system administrators; they're not hot.
- Sarita Raye - 07/27/2003

It's like getting a bucket of dial tone.
What kind of birth control do you use?
- me, Ed Hennessy - 6/26/2003

<japolo> at 15, your weenus allows you defy the laws of time and space
- RJ Bertsche - 05/28/2003

Aeris, you're so mean; you're beating on a girl with no hands. Go beat on Tifa.
- Sarita Raye - 5/18/2003

I had no idea there were reptites on _Dawson's Creek_.
- Sarita Raye, seeing Pitch Black on TV - 5/8/2003

<NekoChef> america needs to reacquint itself with the butt :)
- Tony Giacomoni on #groogroo - 12/20/2002

That's like having sex with your cousin.
- Oliver Gugenheim, regarding tunneling IPv6 through IPv4 - 11/6/2002

<Vanir^> sometimes, the way you describe Sarita, it's like you did the konami code, and she crawled out of your NES
- Matt, in the fae court - 11/5/2001

<SmooveB> remember, role playing is a great way to spice up your love life. so always keep a couple dice on the night stand.
- Dave Terrell - 06/17/2002

<SmooveB> you know, some times I miss having great roommates.
<SmooveB> now I just have one great lifemate, and a guy who is a lot of fun, but doesn't pay his share in rent and tends to just sit around and drool and break stuff.
<mrw> Smoove: Khalili's your roommate?
- Dave Terrell and Matt Williams - 4/17/2002

<Tess> I think I fucked X.
<Tess> oops.
<camilla> was X drunk?
- Tess Lazarz and Angela Zielinski - 1/27/2002

<tmboy> i went shopping on friday well, looking shopping not real shopping and i saw wives and girlfriends shopping with bored yet patient husbands and boysfriends and man, i want that
<tmboy> i miss boring a man
- Anne Nowinski on #uiuc - 11/05/2001

* nebkor pictures Lorah as a leather dom. "Get on your knees, SLAVE! Oh, wait, let me get a padding for you. My mom told me about these and this little store down the street had them, along with this WONDERFUL...."
- Joe Doyle on Lorah Gross - 10/11/2001

You're just too cowardly to lay him off, so you gave him Anthrax.
- Oliver Gugenheim to Kevin Lilly, regarding Jake Harvey - 10/9/2001

<Adam> I can't believe that the CIA is housed in "The George Bush Center for Intelligence"
<Fun-Boy> well, at least it's not the "Ronald Reagan Center for Intelligence and Wakefulness".
- Adam Haberlach and Jon Roma on #uiuc - 9/20/2001

<disjoint> The biggest problem with religious warez is the lack of available couriers
- Victoria Lease on #groogroo - 9/14/2001

<SmooveB> using lsd as a hallucinogen is like buying an E10k to get a console.
- Dave Terrell on #uiuc - 8/31/2001

<Adam> The sexchart is #uiuc's version of the Bene Geseret breeding program.
<Adam> One day, the Kwazitz Hadarach will be born! The one who sees all channels at once!
- Adam Haberlach - 8/13/2001

<Vanir^> i feel like playing double dribble on the nes
<Vanir^> i like that game because it's impossible to double dribble ^^
- Matt on cognet - 8/7/2001

<Ark> got hit again by our favorite worm
<Ashton> ark: walk without rhythm
- Keith Garner and Mark Ashton - 7/19/2001

<doubt> Anyone one know what exchange is celebrating?
<Fumbling> that they are 100% incompatible with *everything*?
- Ari Pernick and Jason Luther on #uiuc - 06/21/2001

<Ark> dygel: you are a kolb, therefor, you suck
- Keith Garner to Eric Kolb - 6/19/2001

<meekay> On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog. But everybody knows
you've fucked r-flood.
- Mike Kolb on #uiuc - 05/24/2001

<bnyar> After the death of two people, authorities have offered a reward of
50,000 rupees (although no one can carry more than 255 at a time) for
the elusive monkeyman.
- Neil Chazin - 05/16/2001

Some women like pretty flowers; some women like power tools...some
were born with penises. What makes people interesting is that people
take different roads to get to similar places...and that's valid
enough for me on this issue.
- Tom Dobrowolsky on meat.general - 5/16/2001

Drinking games are stupid, unless they have colorful pieces.
- Jake Harvey - 5/3/2001

<Vanir^> o/~ iiii'm just a sinistar, i'm just a sinistar, please go off and mine some crystals o/~
<Vanir^> o/~ but please don't make the bombs, nothing rhymes with bombs, aalfjsdfksfd
<Vanir^> o/~ RUUUUUUUUUN, RUN RUN RUN COOOOOOOOWARD....i RUN, COWARD o/~
<Vanir^> o/~ I HUNGER, RUN COWARD, BEWARE 'cause, I LIVE o/~
- Matt on IRC - 1/19/2001

Making an argument to the effect that Republican and Socialist values are both of benefit to some but not to all is like saying that Gweeds and Mother Teresa were similarly of benefit to some but not to all. It's technically true, but it distorts reality in such a horrific way.
- Phil Huckelberry on Obloid Sphere - 1/3/2001

The problem with Pokemon underpants, from what I see at Meijer,
is that they don't come in adult sizes.
- Mike Magin on meat.local.chi - 2001.1.2

<Lion_Blue> Yeah, I loved Ru Paul walking through some airport making
flirty comments at all the businessmen.
<Scola> I fear people whose first name is a top level domain
- Charley Kline and Mike Khalili on #uiuc - 12/18/2000

<japolo> it is like giving a grandma a coupon and having 450 grandmas try to
use the coupon at the same time.
- RJ describing smurf attacks - 12/18/2000

<japolo> i don't think i'll put robert smith's lips on a cat ever again.
- RJ Bertsche on IRC - 12/14/2000

<yohan> We always put on our crufixes and do our Hail Maries before we
engage in hot, sweaty sex!
- Andrew Ho on #uiuc - 12/4/2000

<SmooveB> underpaid illegal mexican immigrants don't do good HTML
- Dave Terrell on why La Bamba doesn't have a web page - 11/29/2000

<mrw> it's a game of magic the fucking gathering, where they've got like all this mana and all these cards, and they just keep playing them.
<mrw> eventually, someone's going to run out of mana or run out of cards, and we'll just see whose cards win.
- Matt Williams, on the Bush/Gore election - 11/14/2000

"A gemstone so fabulously expensive, it's fit for a queen."
"Sounds good to me!"
- Jessie and James on Pokemon (the Donphan episode)

I'm the kind of Jew who would avoid eating bacon at all costs, unless it's sitting in front of me.
- Leo Gimelfarb - 10/26/2000

I would hate to see someone using over-the-counter drugs just so they can play Quake 3.
- Jake Harvey - 8/31/2000

At the end, do you get to do a topless shoot with that one chick?
- Kevin Lilly on Pokemon Snap - 8/24/2000

Cid puts egg yolks all over his body and then puts cigarettes in them. That's why he doesn't have a girlfriend.
- Suntosh "Woggy" Dervin on Cid from Final Fantasy VII

The main point of a female body is to put a male head on top.
- Sarita Appavu - 8/17/2000

<Laira> At a party recently, some guys wondered if I was Canadian because I wasn't coming on to them
- Tess Lazarz on #starcontrol - 8/9/2000

<kurohime> I believe that physics *and* time are both working correctly right now, thanks in no small part to me
- Tori Lease on #groogroo - 6/26/2000

If a girl has a deep voice, it means she's not good looking.
- Alex - 06/21/2000

<AIDS> Why do you like pokemon so much?
<TanAdept> AIDS: I'm highly entertained by the fantasy world and its characters.
<AIDS> That's what polisci majors say about congress
- Jarétt Köbek and myself on #ezines - 6/7/2000

RPM dependencies are funny.
Yeah, I heard Letterman do a whole top-ten list on RPM dependencies. I was in stitches.
- myself and Jake Harvey - 6/1/2000

<Dygel> Cute chicks are dangerous.
<Dygel> Like Batman.
<Dygel> Not that he's a chick.
- Eric Kolb on #groogroo - 5/31/2000

<kurohime> Caffeine should be a sacrament
- Victoria Lease on #groogroo - 5/26/00

<AIDS_> Thief 2 is even more disappointing than Quest for Glory 3
<AIDS_> or 5
<Onisuzume> 1
<seaya> 5
<Onisuzume> 0
<seaya> 4
<SwissPope> 9
- fun on IRC - 5/11/2000

Oh, no. I've dug myself into an object-oriented hole.
- Jake Harvey - 4/27/2000

I think you're overlooking the crucial scientific fact:

Some women have the hot gene, some don't.
- Mark Notarus on meat.general - 3/30/00

The only programming language that follows the principles of Objectivism is Mathematica.
- SOMAD of Ayn Rand on www.forum2000.org - 3/8/00

<Scola> I love RAM
<Scola> If I could have sex with a DIMM I would
- Mike Khalili - 3/2/2000

<Dygel> Don't DO that.
<Dygel> That is soooooooo obnoxious. =(
<Dygel> I HATE that. It's like you're calling me some weird fuzzy thing with giant ears that you join in a mystical quest, yet utterly sucks at fighting, but still provides valuable wisdom, so you have to tolerate!
* Dygel breathes.
- Eric Kolb and myself - 1/24/2000

* Onisuzume uses a Qt application for the first time.
<CrazyLion> Onisuzume: no cat will respect you now
- myself and Crion on #linuxlounge - 1/28/2000

<Dygel> Don't DO that.
<Dygel> That is soooooooo obnoxious. =(
<Dygel> I meant the "You're such a Kolb."
<Dygel> I HATE that. It's like you're calling me some weird fuzzy thing with giant ears that you join in a mystical quest, yet utterly sucks at fighting, but still provides valuable wisdom, so you have to tolerate!
- Eric Kolb - 01/24/2000

<dannyman> cute webmaster coworker offers me turkey leftovers at her house
<SmooveB> dannyman: bang her, unless she knows AIX, in which case give her benjy's phone number.
<TimeWaste> beware of cute webmaster coworkers bearing turkey
<Gopher> no...fuck the cute webmaster coworkers bearing turkey
- Dan Howard, Dave Terrell, David Lemson, and Jason Govig on #uiuc - 1/10/2000

<Onisuzume> In C&P, he gets to go to Siberia!
<Onisuzume> It is cold there.
<meekay> But it's a dry cold.
- myself and Mike Kolb (#uiuc or #groogroo) - 1/3/2000

<seano> I will make pr0k chops.
<seano> it will be trichino-licious!
- Sean O'Connor - 1/3/2000

When I get drunk, I forget my sexual orientation.
- Donna Weeks - 1/1/2000

<tashafk> i'm going to get a kid from the humane society, so it will be prenamed for me
- Tasha Abner on #ezines - 12/30/1999

<pilferer> i thogught pretty sami was geoff raye's cat
- Ryan Hughes on IRC - 12/25/1999

*tart* i think i need a better hobby than reading your quotes page in my pajamas, g0ff
- Kim Stein - 12/22/1999

I'm the fattest, whitest guy in the bar and I could still kick the Bulls' ass.
- Rich Nuttle - 1999.12.7

I should show Purvi my bare ass.
- Mike Magin - 1999.10.10

There are too many chicks here; this isn't a h0l party. CS chicks at a h0l party are like vaporware.
- TJ Eckman - 1999.10.10

I haven't seen your tits in a while, Rene.
- Erik Gilling - 10/8/1999

<ErisE> I need a rich lesbian friend my age with designer's skills and a huge crush on me so that my wardrobe can grow exponentially without depleting my pocketbook
- Victoria Lease - 9/30/1999

<TanAdept> I never get to kiss Dave!
<collision> g0ff: you've also never eaten mac n cheese, so it's no wonder.
<collision> (Moral of the story: eat Mac n cheese, get laid. Or something.)
* T0ast goes and buys some mac n cheese
- myself, Mark Roth, and Allen Carley on #uiuc - 9/13/1999

<naisbodo> dave terrell telnetted from my 486 once :(
- Naisbodo - 9/7/1999

<trilobyte> YOU CANNOT LIKE STAR CONTROL AND UIUC AT THE SAME
- Tim on #ezines - 8/31/1999

<tashy> I really think finding a cure for AIDS is silly, because it would just make more people live.
- Tasha Abner - 8/28/1999

<Fun-Boy> you have a PIII 600?
<Bohr> ya
<Fun-Boy> jesus. you really ARE sexually frustrated.
- Jon Roma and Byron Faber - 8/28/1999

<swissphil> i just recorded a wav about making soup
<swissphil> because i just made soup
- Phil Winans on #ezines - 8/27/1999

<swissphil> hahah
<swissphil> drew and i just did an acapella
<swissphil> singing 'anna is my cat, she is orange, she drools'
<swissphil> in a row row row your boat fashion
<swissphil> i think that's called a round
<swissphil> i'm trying to convince drew to write the Anna is my cat mod
- Phil Winans on #ezines - 8/27/1999

They say that Asians and brunettes don't go together--I need to date someone blonder.
- overheard in the women's restroom at Goose Island Brewery - 8/11/1999

<SmooveB> one for a network, one for a router, one to broadcast in your halls of stone, and 2 for SNMP, in the land of servercom where the shadows lie.
- Dave Terrell on #cats - 8/10/99

Delaware is like the same as here, except they have Chik Fil-as and fewer diners.
- Alicia on New Jersey - 7/26/1999

<effy> mogel, what do you think i should write about?
<Mogel> i have no idea, effy, something pretty!
<effy> mogel...pretty?
<Mogel> effy, sorry, i forgot that you were goth!
<Mogel> write about something DARK and EVIL and SAD!
* effy is not a goth and has never claimed to be
- Mike Greenspan and Tanya on #ezines - 7/23/99

Papa Lenin says, "Buy More Ritz."
- Mark Notarus on the idea of Ritz crackers as a Communist plot - 7/18/1999

Fred doesn't do "hello world", he does "hello IRC".
- Mark Notarus - 7/18/1999

<tomoyo> pokemon is the most g0ff anime ever
<tomoyo> it has eight thousand little monsters with catchy names
<tomoyo> each of whom make sounsd that are composed of parts of their names
<tomoyo> "charmander!@$ char char!@$"
<tomoyo> "pikachu!@$ pika pika!@$"
<tomoyo> etcetc =) =)
<tomoyo> ^^
- Victoria Lease - 7/17/99

<Quarex> I would rather exterminate the humnan race than kick my cat.
- Drew Hunt on #ezines - 7/16/99

You know, after you've sucked Mountain Dew out of each other's belly buttons, there's not much you can do with a person.
- Donna Weeks - 7/19/1999

<anjee> g0ff, have you ever had sex?
<anjee> i wonder what sex with you would be like, geoff
- Angela Schwabl on #ezines - 7/13/99

I am fisting your urethra.
- Angela Schwabl - 7/9/1999

<seano> I think if I become a famous explorer/mountain climber, I will name the first mountain I discover "mount -a"
<seano> or "mount /home"
<seano> because, well, nothing could be lamer.
* h4cc hands seano the "that was a lame comment, dude" award
- Sean O'Connor and Chris Stamborski - 7/6/99

<mrw> g0ff: you know how wildly unimpressed I was with Cosmic Encounter?
<mrw> same thing, man. pot is cos.
- Matt Williams on #groogroo - 7/6/99

*Cenae!cenae@dazed.zeppelin.net* Are you a real person?
-> *Cenae* Yes.
-> *Cenae* Do I really pass for a bot that well?
*Cenae!cenae@dazed.zeppelin.net* Honestly, yes. I couldn't understand you, you were coming up with various tidbits of information like someone had hit a keyword. No offense.
- further proof that I'm a bot, on #shadowrun - 7/3/1999

<TanAdept> Rule. Mike Daniels is going to run Linux.
<_Dagny> mike daniels is so the shit
- myself and Anne Nowinski - 6/29/99

<Lone-Wolf> tan: i need to download you into a pilot and sell you
<Lone-Wolf> could make millions
<T0ast> I would buy a TA for my pilot, but i'm afraid my pilot doesn't have the capacity
- Brian White and Allen Carley - 6/22/99

<SwissPope> University of Washington products are like the McDonalds foods of free unices
<SwissPope> They suck
<SwissPope> but they are OH SO GOOD
- Phil Winan on #ezines - 6/20/1999

No, I will not be in a picture with Dannyman.
- Mark Roth - 6/19/1999

You are being lame; don't be lame.
- Jessica Warth to Mark Roth - 6/19/1999

<Fun-Boy> TA: is "crimson skies" something like "blue screen"?
- Jon Roma's take on Microsoft's game, Crimson Skies - 4/16/1999

I would be a much more efficient human if I was a UNIX system.
- Christopher - 6/7/99

<ChromeLi> but because I am now damaged and say things like "Hey, it's 2:51" and "I'm on page 251", and "I'm going to hit myself in the brain 251 times"
- Benjy Feen - 6/2/99

<pixymisa> pointers are like the ultimate mortal kombat cheat code
<pixymisa> up-up-down-down-kick-punch YES!@$ int becomes float!@$
- Tori Lease - 5/28/99

Hey, if she's old enough to get fake boobs, she's old enough for me to hit.
- Christy Skaar on Britney Spears - 5/23/99

<sTanAdept> There's a kitten at my work today.
<sTanAdept> He is six weeks old.
<sTanAdept> And very fluffy!
<Shalufaz> do you work in a magical place where you get to test pleasure or something ?
- myself and Jeff on #ezines - 5/14/99

I don't mind eating meat as long as it's an endangered species.
- Lindsey Andrews - 4/30/1999

<sParappa> she played with g0ff's emotions
<IMHO> g0ff has emotions?
- Leah Marcus and Scott Zibble on #ezines - 4/23/99

<sParappa> how can you worship the goddess without munching a rug
- Leah Marcus on #ezines - 4/23/99

You never played Civ and I stood up at your wedding?
- Ed Hennessy to Mike Gardner - 4/3/1999

The only way to stop a blood-sucking teacher is to drive a stake through her heart.
- From "The Magic Schoolbus"

Laura's hot; Elaine's evil.
- Mike Gardner - 4/2/1999

<Fun-Boy> am i the only one here who ever programmed FORTRAN and had to deal with column 7 issues?
<spruance> fb: Yes.
<spruance> Girls can sense it, too.
- Jon Roma and Mark Notarus - 3/23/99

<meekay> I'm SWAPPING more than I'm CYCLING! Pass the MMX TECHNOLOGY!
- Mike Kolb on #groogroo - 3/17/1999

<mrw> I've spent the entire week writing, and when I write, I head
for the analogy police.
- Matt Williams on #groogroo - 3/17/1999

<Lone-Wolf> :0
<Lone-Wolf> * ^Subject:.*PLEASE LOG OFF OF.*
<Lone-Wolf> logoff
- Brian White with an interesting procmail reciple - 3/17/1999

<spruance> Ms Rand is living proof of how someone can be intelligent,
and yet not at all capable of reasoning.
<spruance> well, dead proof.
- Mark Notarus - 3/4/99

<SwisSPope> i'm glad people wear business suits to work because it
makes them much easier to conform into polygons
- Phil Winans on #ezines - 2/26/1999

<powerpuff> Most men prefer short harolds, except maybe gay men.
- Fred Jacobs on #log - 2/2/99

<SmooveB> and my 9g drive died a long time ago, like everything else associated with neog.
- Dave Terrell - 2/1/99

<ukpyr> IIS is the best. i wish i could become an iis server when i die
- Brian on #log - 1/31/99

<Mephisto_> Tabacco has got to be even more evil than lettuce!
- around 1/28/1999

Somehow Magic makes me think of Unix becoming a game.
- Dash Squirrel on auggie bbs - 1/28/99

<multics> oh yeah. is there a MS counterpart to jailbabes.com? msrichguys.com? with a profile and what they're looking for in a mate
- Colleen Noonan - 1/18/99

<flatlandr> It's easier to become a rumor than it is to become topic for #uiuc.
- Paul Watts - 1/13/99

<tasha> hey
<tasha> if any of you are religious
<tasha> pay that my school is closed.
- Tasha Abner on #ezines - 1/5/99

*slindsey* i wish my parents would get divorced over a cran-kitty!
- Lindsey Andrews - 1/4/99

<meekay> Silly g0ff, cats don't have bones.
<meekay> They're just liquid fur
- Mike Kolb - 12/18/1998

<sarlo> i have another reason why texas is bad
<sarlo> one word
<sarlo> "gweeds"
- Sarlo on #realchicago - 12/1/98

<QuEnder> "bewm"? That sounds like an effeminate bomb exploding.
- Jason Lindquist - 1998.11.12

Everything makes more sense if you read Dragonlance.
- LCN - 11/12/98

<whoops> why does EVERYHTING fall to shit when i'm not at work
<halfman> whoops: I'm guessing God gets a little bored and nices people's fates up and down for amusement
- KC Smith and Jason Beatty - 11/11/98

<kyusaku> everson's constant: "for every subject X, there is 3 geocities pages saying "X is Cool", 2 saying "X suX", and at least 1 "X ate my balls."
- RJ Bertsche on #sigh - 11/10/98

People are evil but car dealerships are just slow.
- ??? - anyone know?

I think it's time to call it a night: we've degenerated into conversation.
- LCN

<spruance> frys isn't a store; it's a collective myth.
- Mark Notarus - 9/18/1998

Getting a link with Crank is like peering with Mae-East.
- Nick Levay on The Obloid Sphere - 9/2/98

<GoodAsh> Empire Earth is a game that covers 500 millennia of human history, from the early Stone Age to the 25th century. In real time.
- Mark Ashton - 8/11/98

<Ender]> Networking as a job skill is fine. It has its uses on the technical side of things. However, felching should NOT be regarded as a job skill.
- Jason Lindquist - 8/4/1998

<spruance> I always wanted a pet spathi. :)
- Mark Notarus - 6/22/98

You don't need money, you have cats.
- Laura Gardner - 6/5/1998

<Aleph> Wow. Alison, from g0ff's party, looks like a thin Tim Skirvin.
- Joe Doyle - 5/27/1998

I like hookers, period.
- Anton Kleyn - 4/30/98

So, I'm dating. It's definitely interesting. We'll see how that goes.
- Ari Pernick - 4/4/98

It sometimes worries me that I might be too paranoid.
- Hirotsugu Asari on uiuc.classifieds.personals - 3/18/98

I only read [uiuc].test when I have a paper due.
- Rene Hendrix - 3/14/98

No, it doesn't suck. It's quantum physics and it's good.
- Yannis Tsiligakis - 3/98

That's like the color of my grandma's pee when she was sick, and it was in a bag.
- Erin Galbraith, referring to an amaretto stone sour - 1/16/98

* ChromeLi peers at Sachmet
<Sachmet> nah, i'm not a NAP
- Benjy Feen and Pete Krawczyk on #cats - 12/27/97

Well, two can play at that game. I say that Paul Watts is a god. My proof? He dyed his hair blond. Therefore, anyone with blonde hair is in the image of Paul Watts, and not just a product of fashion, free will, etc... at least IMO.
- Joe Doyle on uiuc.org.illinilife - 12/22/97

<Froqen> There is an o'reily book about sendmail
<Froqen> there isn't one about catholic girls
- Ari Pernick - 12/20/97

<TanAdept> Islam is inherently unsecure.
<TanAdept> - leibniz rumor
* FnordP considers ssislam
- myself and Dan Foygel - 12/19/97

If God can create a beer too disgusting for Him to drink, then there is
something He cannot drink. If God cannot create a beer too disgusting for
Him to drink, then there is something He cannot create. If there is
something He cannot drink, then He is not omnipotent. If there is something
He cannot create, then He is not omnipotent.

Therefore God should not go to Kam's.
- Paul Watts on uiuc.test - 11/21/97

<gweeds> well the only really great thing about him
<gweeds> is that he looks like me when i was 12
- Marc Powell, referring to Tim Skirvin - 11/7/97

<GoodAsh> I woke up this morning and realized that someone had carved 251 into
my LIVING FLESH in the middle of the night
- Mark Ashton - 11/17/97

<TanAdept> ny: People never die.
<daria> they just become cats.
- myself and Heather Norton - 11/10/97

<Sheraz> Question : this book fell atop my keyboard and now the sound doesnt
work ; I checked for connections .. checked for mute ... checked
under control panels nothing.
<seraph> Sheraz: what book?
- 11/12/97

I'm sorry, but I just can't stand paper clips that wink at me.
- Sid Cammeresi - 11/11/97

<Fumbling> okay. all i need is a naked woman and a box of popsicles.
<SplatMan> Fum: would you settle for ssh -c none?
- Jason Luther and Dave Terrell - 11/6/97

<Shahn> I'd do a bot. If it was g0ff.
- Shahn on #bayglez - 11/6/97

<Hoser69> There are only three things I learned in 110 & 223.
<Hoser69> I learned cin, cout, and how to get others to do my MPs.
- Joe Marton - 11/5/97

If I wanted an interesting goal directed sequence, I'd take DSPs and then commit ritual suicide two years later.
- Fred Jacobs - 11/5/97

<cvk> next time i have to write a proposal, i am going to say
<cvk> "You should give us fast access to things, because we all like cats, n stuff, and have 251 subnets."
<cvk> then i will give them the bronx cheer and happily quit.
- Charley Kline - 11/3/97

If cats could speak, they would be Vorlons. I'm sure of it.
"You are not ready to understand. Bring me more food."
- Mike Daniels - 11/3/97

<Iko-chan> Warez = sexy
- Eileene Coscolluela - 10/29/97

I smell like HoF, that's not good.
- Colleen Noonan - 10/19/97

The fact that Marc Powell can get any is a mark of weakness in your gender.
- Matt Williams - 10/18/97

something something marc powell receiving oral sex mental image something something matt angry something

I've been here 3 summers now and I've never seen a sign on a door saying "Idea Theft Department".
- Microsoft intern speaking at 1320 DCL - 9/8/97

*Atala!haileris@crl2.crl.com* Male Glee.
*Atala!haileris@crl2.crl.com* Sounds like some kind of sex product.
*Atala!haileris@crl2.crl.com* Doesn't it? Or a cat food for boy cats.
- someone on #cats - 9/6/97

Dave Terrell was kind of drunk last night, so he started a quotes page.
- Fred Jacobs - 8/3/97

I don't know; I'll die some day.
I somehow doubt that.
- me, Mike Daniels - 7/16/97

That's a cute sentence. If I maintained a quote file, I'd have to quote you on that.
- Mike Daniels - 5/29/97

If I wanted to eat embryos I'd haunt an abortion clinic.
- Mike Daniels - 5/16/97

<[Ender]> "I fucked my first girlfriend when I was 15" "Oh yeah, I was driving when I was 14!" "Bah, I had root when I was 8."
- Jason Lindquist - 5/1/97

Well, if I ever run out of fur and need fur from another cat, I'll ask you.
- Jon Roma - 4/8/97

<swisspope> cooking on the web would be dumb it would be like "click on the ingredients, now drop it to the pot" and then a new browser would launch and display a random piece of furniture and say "oh no! you messed up and accidentally cooked up a KITCHEN SINK. ha ha!"
- Phil Winans on #dto - 4/4/97

The extent of our relationship was making out and playing Sheep's Head, which is a card game, and which is rather bad.
- Ann Murphy - 3/29/97

Half of his friends have known him since he was 3, or have known him since high school, which is the same thing.
- Matt Williams referring to me - 3/28/97

<tao_> we should organize a marc lotto day where we beat up the lotto lady and make the pick three "251" and the pick four "5049".
- RJ Bertsche on #dto - 3/25/97

<dumbass> I guess as long as I can defend myself if harassed, life should be fairly safe
<dumbass> Who needs to be big when you've got the fart of death?
- Larry Schrof - 3/25/97

It's like Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment, except with computers.
- Laura Stobba referring to my house - 3/22/97

<toadx> i need a girlfriend... that way when i am looking at pr0n on the net, she can click for me, so i have both hands free...
- Jeremy Shaw - 3/20/97

Preserve the status quo--that's what the bloody coils do.
- Gary Gladding, professor of physics - 3/20/97

Tall guy, long blonde hair, chips of clay dropping from his hands...
Networking hardware bows in submission as he walks by. Can't miss him.
- Jason Lindquist on uiuc.test, describing Charley Kline - 3/18/97

<Stilgar> Its a shame us Jews don't have colors associated with our prophets.
- Dan Yagudin - 3/17/97

I know you can make computers entirely out of tinkertoys. At least, they
did that in the 80s (late 70s?) ... wow, the wonders of modern science, a
butter-based computer. Pretty soon you'll see the NuTP (Nutrasweet
Transit Protocol) for that "I can't believe these packets have 0 calories
but cause cancer" market.
- Fred Jacobs on uiuc.test - 3/10/97

HAL was probably not considered the nicest guy in the world, but everybody deserves a birthday party. I think he'd probably enjoy it.
- Carol Menaker, University of Illinois director of communications.

You seem cooler than most grad students.
- Mike Magin to David Stott - 3/7/97

<whoops> i'm posix compliant: do me
- KC Smith - 3/7/97

<eomer> now my cat is trying to install a hard drive..
<eomer> what a nut.. she set BOTH drives to SLAVE ..
- David Ingram - 3/5/97

How do you know it didn't leave the store, reproduce, and come back?
- Mike Gardner, referring to Kamut 'n Honey - 2/28/97

Have Charlie the tuna and be done with it.
- Jennifer Putterman - 2/28/97

The clergy, also, is kind of like the mafia.
- Jennifer Putterman - 2/28/97

Uh...no. You use pine. Anyone can use Pine. And that proves nothing. Now if you were really cool, you'd use MH or Mutt. And if you were the Ultimate in cool, you'd use a packet sniffer to read your mail.
- Matt Williams on uiuc.test - 2/18/97

A packet sniffe? Not. You hold the ethernet cable in your hand and read the magnetic fluctiuations in your red blood cells. And you write mail with your other hand after you polarize the rbcs in it.
- Brandon Long on uiuc.test, replying to the above - 2/18/97

Maybe some TEST alumni can fund a study to determine whether or not girls who took off their Barbies' heads have stronger math skills than those who just dressed them up or chewed on their legs.
- Alan Braverman on uiuc.test - 2/18/97

Geoff, we don't need to role-play the snacks.
- Mike Daniels - 2/14/97

From far enough away, a cow looks like a sphere.
- Gary Gladding (or another physics instructor) - 2/6/97

I'm sick of being accused of having fleas in my head by people that are cock-sucking morons.
- Jason Luther, speaking uncharacteristically - 1/30/97

You know g0ff?!?!?! KICK ASS!!!
- Larry Schrof - 1/29/1997

I can't be a cat because I'm already a plant.
- Rachel Flood - 1/28/1997

I'm sick of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight. How about some real food, like a steak...or how about a dog!
- the Supox at the end of Star Control 2

Did you hear about the new B5 soundtrack? It's supposed to be out in 8 days.
Oh, really? I thought it was supposed to come out the 28th.
- Myself and Mike Daniels - 1/20/97

What fun is a language if you can't put a semicolon after a curly-brace?
- Matt Williams - 1/8/97

<razorbone> i will now stop playing red alert, since it is annoying me by winning
<razorbone> instead, i shall grate cheese.
<razorbone> Because cheese never wins.
- Mark Notarus - 1/5/1997

g0ff basically needs to be closed captioned.
- Matt Williams - 1/3/97

I'm doing laps around the virtual desktop.
- Matt Williams - 1/2/97

<Mal2> Foolish Christians, DCL is for Geeks
- Brian Swetland - 12/30/96

This room sucks! God!
- Wu-chen Feng, professor of computer science - 12/17/96

Junk food is cool, especially junk food six sided dice.
- Neil Chazin - 12/14/96

So, is this guy like an incarnation of God?
The god of cluelessness.
- Laura Stobba and Mike Daniels - 12/6/96

I wouldn't want to live in a world of pricks. Well, maybe I do, but I wouldn't want to.
- Laura Stobba - 12/6/96

<DrSax> irc's not about colors and windows...it's about pissing people off.
- Jeff Dalton - 11/26/96

They don't sell pot at Cornell; they grow it.
- Carol

<Satyr> cats are leet
*Satyr!~brianr@jaguar.ccsr.uiuc.edu* What does leet mean / where did it come from?
- Brian Rogers - 11/20/96

<Pickaxe> geek chicks are far and few between
<whoops> geek chicks suck
<whoops> all chicks suck
<Pickaxe> and most of those are mentally unstable
- Joe Gross and KC Smith - 11/19/96

<Phobos> the talk went from UNIX work stations to *word*'s
<Xxyl> that's because the Orz actually wrote Unix.
- overheard on #starcontrol - 11/18/96

<sprout> "do you have the internet here?"
<moogle> "Yes. We keep it in a box and sell it by the pound."
- Rachel Flood and Fred Jacobs - 11/17/96

<Bohr> (cp or rm) -f is like buttfucking your computer into submission
- Byron Faber - 11/15/96

Meep.
Did you say "meep?"
Finches.
Finches?
Finches go "Meep, meep."
- Laura Stobba, myself, Laura, me, Laura - 11/15/96

I did that recently with two girls that I know.
You did what with two girls that you know?
- Chris Quinn and Laura Stobba - 11/15/96

I turned 20 in Jersey, on my birthday.
- Jessica Warth - 11/14/96

When these bubbles get inserted, you're just watching the wind blow through trees.
- Wu-chen Feng on NOP instructions - 11/13/1996

Getting the food is an exercise for the eater.
- Mike Daniels - 11/6/96

He's, like, given all those secret teacher passwords.
- Zach Miller, referring to Prof. Pitt implying he didn't want to worry very much about deadlines - 11/6/96

It's kind of like Ebola, except people take it by choice.
- Keith Garner referring to Olestra, the fat substitute. - 11/4/96

You can't run BSD 4.4 on parents.
- Mark Roth - 11/4/96

<razorbone> I wouldn't be able to be a porn star because some hot triple-phd chick from MIT would probably scare me.
<razorbone> She'd probably replace me with a really lifelike schlong machine.
- Mark Notarus - unknown date

<razorbone> Well, jill's safe and sound out west. She's eating up my cpu cycles again.
- Mark Notarus - 11/3/96

i used to be a jew-wannabee. than i realized that i was already jewish... it was the worst moment of my life. i immediately became an athiest.
- Vera Koffman on uiuc.test - 11/3/96

<collision> It's a made-up idea concocted to taunt gullible people like me.
- Mark Roth referring to sex - 11/2/96

I've only been out of my body once before.
You should get out more.
- Chris Quinn and Ed Hennessy - 11/1/96

You can lead a horse to water, but can you make it walk across?
- Ed Hennessy - 11/1/96

It's a clear and sunny night.
- Mike Gardner - 11/1/96

What did you mispell?
1.
How did you spell it?
0.
- Myself and David Frothingman

If a bat flew in here and turned into a guy, I'd be pretty surprised. I'd say "Hey, you're not a dolphin," and I'd stand there for two rounds while he pummels me.
- Laura Stobba - 10/25/96

<uh-TAC> i'd be great if someone would email me with a MIME attachment of type food/breakfast
- Mike Magin on #uiuc - 10/24/96

<Maigrey> okay. Move in with me an dyou'll get ISDN.
- Heather Norton to Mark Notarus on #uiuc - 10/22/96

Hey, you're g0ff. I've heard of you.
- Bryan Kieft - 10/22/96

<Ark> i wonder if we can trade in our penis and like buy computer stuff
- Keith Garner on #uiuc - 10/20/96

<whoops> "The dentist will count your teeth..and CLEAN between them!"
<whoops> "dr tasha would need a very BIG mirror for MY mouth!"
<whoops> well if you would stop sucking so much cock, barney, maybe your teeth wouldn't be so dirty
- KC Smith on #uiuc - 10/18/96

<moogle> no way, you can buy root, it's just not cheap and not worthwhile if you buy it (kind of like sex)
- Fred Jacobs - 10/16/96

<JenniBeth> Ark: Take my skin with you and shower it too, would you?
- Jennifer Collins on #uiuc - 10/16/96

Anything from IRC I have to see filtered through Usenet first in order to not get corrupted.
- Mike Daniels

<aurla> im in a pissy/bitchy/sad mood, i wouldnt be good company
<whoops> g0ff's good for that mood, trust me.
<Ark> once you get in that iblock and start singing and jumping and cheering
<Ark> and stuff
<Ark> you'd be in a good mood
<Ark> and g0ff is like human prozac
- Erin McFarland, KC Smith, and Keith Garner on #uiuc - 10/5/96

5, 6, stay up late.
- Mike Daniels, who seems to have been up too late - 10/4/96

Why would I like orgasm sounds if I wasn't actually participating?
- Chris Quinn - 10/4/96

Help, I'm having a bad trip! Quick, someone multiply me by i!
- Zach Miller after we'd been working far too long at CS 375 one night

<whoops> i'm 5'0'.5", does that mean i have small boobs?
- KC Smith on #uiuc - 9/30/96

* tmboy goes to eat tori
<tmboy> i mean silly eat with tori
- Anne Nowinski on #uiuc - 9/30/96

If you're chewing on a Don's megaburger, does it get a saving throw versus chewing?
- Laura Stobba - 9/28/96

<ErisE> g0ff: I had a kewl dream with you in it
<ErisE> g0ff: You and I were dressed in black, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat
<ErisE> g0ff: We were in an airport, trading warez for cats
<ErisE> g0ff: We put the warez into a locker, and went to another locker. When we opened it, cats just kept on leaping out
- Tori Lease on #uiuc - 9/25/96

* ErisE hidez her packetz into krazy boxes so they can make it past the border guards
- Tori Lease on #uiuc - 9/22/96

<whoops> "Hello?" "Uh, hi.. do i have the champaign church of latter day saints?"
<moogle> "Yes, this is kc, I'm in charge of polygamy" or something
- KC Smith and Fred Jacobs on #uiuc - 9/22/96

Is that the sign of the cross or do you need to go to the bathroom?
- Chris Quinn - 9/20/96

It's not dumb. It's got an intelligence of 2. It's smarter then most people in LAS.
- Laura Stobba - 9/20/96

More money for SGI, all the better for Microsoft not to have the money.
- Wu-chen Feng (professor, CS232) - 9/9/1996

If you don't have the ability to write these instructions, then you're screwed
- Wu-chen Feng (professor, CS232) - 9/9/1996

<mrw> Hah--Maybe for you it's morning, Mark. It's logical night.
- Matt Williams on #uiuc - 9/9/96

* tmboy wants a tylenol 3
<Mal-2> well, with enough quarks, you could build one from scratch
- Anne Nowinski and Brian Swetland on #uiuc - 9/9/96

The cat will find the one person that's allergic to cats and sit on their lap and demand that they pet him.
- Brian Sonders (Pol S 280 TA) - 9/4/96

<collision> if someone ftps warez to the forest, and there's no one around to haxx0r them, are they 'leet?
- Mark Roth on #uiuc - 9/4/96

-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:40 1996] e7Y9e5M3l. From teletype (I'll kill these clones... (1/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:40 1996] q8I8w1C1w. From teletype (I'll hope they die... (2/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:40 1996] f7R7x7G9y. From teletype (Hope they already got K: lined... (3/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:41 1996] y3V8o6M9f. From teletype (All the world's morons are on irk... (4/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:41 1996] y6A3h6H5f. From teletype (But I don't even know why... (5/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:43 1996] d8S7f5Z8p. From teletype (What I used to think was IRC... (6/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:52 1996] p8B5x1P6b. From teletype (Is just a fading memory... (7/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:52 1996] n8I1i8Z3f. From teletype (I looked them right in the eye... (8/9))
-Kill [Tue Aug 27 03:04:52 1996] c9P7k8R8w. From teletype (And said goodbye... (9/9))
- Kills I noticed on IRC on 8/27/96

Socks may be purchased at cost.
See a Ronald Ranger for assistance.
- sign at a McDonald's restaurant, noticed 8/18/96

<TanAdept> Fred is also known to run about 2-3 levels of screen because 9 screens isn't enough (or 10 or whatever)
<collision> heh
<Regis> Fred's insane.
<collision> Fred's a silkly cat.
- myself, Mark Roth and Jason Lindquist on #uiuc - 8/7/96

<collision> The sad thing is that I beleive my life would actually be easier if I were a Pkunk.
- Mark Roth on #uiuc - 8/7/96

<poeson> Mk? Is that Mortal Kombat Linux?
<Ark> poes: yeah, Linux Torvalds special moves rule
- Dan Simms and Keith Garner on #uiuc - 8/7/96

<Ark> so, you have some problem with slapping your dick against silicon?
- Keith Garner on #uiuc - 8/6/96

<razorbone> Curiously, "eat flaming death" isn't really a defence in debt court.
- Mark Notarus on #uiuc - 7/30/96

<collision> I NEED to irc while taking a shit
- Mark Roth on #uiuc - 7/29/96

<mememk> what does isdn stand for TanAdept?
<Pickaxe> it stands for "mark gave him an account to irc from"
- some unknown person and Joe Gross on #uiuc - 7/19/96

I didn't even realize it was a pun until you hit me in the nose with taco sauce.
- Jared Wadsworth - 7/10/96

I mean, if you've got an oscilliscope, you can do anything.
- Jared Wadsworth - 6/12/96

I liked Saylor. He was fun. He's like a cat.
- Greg Fast - 6/7/96

Maybe when you have sex it involves four hippos and a bunch of marbles, but when I have sex, it certainly doesn't.
- Eva Shillace

Does your vacuum have one of those sucking things?
- Mrs. Shlens, my summer landlord - 5/15/96

10:30am up 25 days, 15:04, 9 users, load average: 3.42, 1.59, 0.82
A load entry I'm particularly fond of - 5/1/96

We know what bussing is. It is a bus.
- Professor Gupta, explaining the concept of a bus in a computer - 4/17/96

One thing that's nice about software is that it's soft.
- Professor Kale - 1/23/96

"Rat does not rat on you"
- Professor Skeel, referring to the Rat function in Mathematica - 1/23/96

Cicadas of flint, unite! How many slopes must be stolen
before the notice begins to walk? While those without a bottle
are packed in sacks, the similar monkeys scream about their
visit from Jupiter Rowboats, Inc. Sufficient quantities of
ice cream do not a dull wheel make. Thank your
fox that you may have nitrogen provided to
your baby. Why not be a dog then?
- name withheld by request - 12/5/95

"I just felt a great lag in the EFNet, as if millions of clone-bots logged on and were suddenly k-lined."
- name withheld by request

katzenfreundlich - overfriendly (cat friendly, i.e. friendly in the way that cats are)
der Katzenjammer - hangover (cat's misery)

If you meet someone from Mars, they might do it upside down.
- Professor Sullivan - 8/31/95

Bill Gates only likes these arcs or something. My software won't let me draw parabolas.
- Professor Sullivan - 8/31/95

<Mal-2> Share and Enjoy
<Mal-2> Share and Enjoy
<Mal-2> Journey through life
<Mal-2> With a plastic boy
<Mal-2> Or girl by your side
<Mal-2> Let your pal be your guide
<Mal-2> And when it breaks down
<Mal-2> Or starts to annoy
<Mal-2> Or grinds when it moves
<Mal-2> And gives you no joy
<Mal-2> Cos it's eaten your hat
<Mal-2> Or had sex with your cat
<Mal-2> Bled oil on your floor
<Mal-2> Or ripped of your door
<Mal-2> And you get to the point
<Mal-2> You can't stand any more
<Mal-2> Bring it to us, we won't give a fig
<Mal-2> We'll tell you "Go stick your head in a pig"
<Mal-2> [chorus]
- not Brian's quote, so he deserves no credit

So, what's in the box?
Oh, the usual.
Cats?
- Rhonda Vondrashek, myself, and Randall Harper - 5/16/95

What a putz!
- Randall Harper, referring to Charles Dunn - 5/16/95

Now, Nancy can drink two drinks, because she weighs more than us.
- Rhonda Vondrashek - 1995/05/11

My dad passed out.
- Chris Minerva - 5/8/95

And Rhonda is the beast.
- Randall Harper - 12/1/94

Feel them, they're blue!
- Kim Vana - 11/29/94

What presidential ticket was known as "Bozo and Pineapple"?
Harper and Dunn.
- Randall Harper and T.J. North - 11/23/94

I like Milk Bones!
- Rhonda Vondrashek - 11/23/94

Boy does girl.
- Blake Stahl - 11/22/94